Cancer Called Me Home
One month ago I came for a visit. My dad was sick, and the threat of cancer was very real. I came temporarily. I was here to support my sister and mom. I was here to find out how serious it was and how I could help, even if it was just by being present.
My dad has a history of heart problems. They started at birth and he has been battling back from them for 76 years. These are but two of my father's health struggles. A diabetic suffering from COPD, his list is lengthy. Cancer? After everything else? REALLY????
One week later, I moved home. I needed to be close to my family.
I feel I have sacrificed much--being near my own kids and two of my four grandchildren. It breaks my heart every day.
It took courage. More courage than I knew I had. So often I have made decisions based on fear. Serving a God who is not limited by time or money is a frightening process. I have to believe He has a plan, one I cannot see or understand.
If you've read any of my previous posts, you have seen a transformation happening in me. I am wandering, looking for myself. I lose myself often only to find more of me. There has always been this nagging within me to just GO, but fear kept me from making major moves.
FEAR!
Of starting over, of being alone, of heartbreak that being so far from my kids and grandkids would be unbearable. Fear that distance from my local friends would devastate me.
And then I remember when one of my daughters moved away a few years ago to support her husband as a Marine. I knew my grandson was going to have a long distance relationship with his gramma, and I was devastated. I was so afraid! But her courage? AMAZING. My fear is nothing compared to a young mother who moves 24 hours away from everything and everyone she knows and has her husband deployed to only God knows where as soon as she gets there.
I have worked SO hard for SO long. I still don't have a place of my own or a job to settle into yet. I've sold nearly every possession I own. Downsize? I'm the master of it. But I have learned valuable lessons. Sometimes life is a series of eliminations to figure out what is right.
I love being a minimalist. There is less to let go of. I'm dependent of the generosity of others, a place to lay my head and a meal in my belly. That's when I know who has my back. Its amazing. And I am so grateful.
This huge gap in my life of not settling down? It led me here. It kept me free. Free of a lease, of a job, or a relationship that would keep me tied down. This is my rest spot, my peace place, where I run to when life is cruel. And its always felt like I was coming home.
I've been here a month. And soon, I hope it will be home. I don't know what the future holds. My dad is getting well quickly. He's a fighter. He believed he would be cancer free, and it looks like he is.
I have some of that fight in me. Life challenges me daily to keep pressing on, and pressing into the Creator. Yesterday this verse kept mulling itself around in my spirit:
"Be confident. He who has done a good work in me will be faithful to complete it." -- Philippians 1:6.
I have questions. Was this a temporary move? Should I head back to Colorado? Or should I keep fighting to build a life here?
I love laughing with my sister, popping in to visit my folks, getting to know the town and feeling like I can be confident and strong and make this thing work. I love being in the midst of mountain ranges and wildlife. I love small town life. I LOVE IT HERE!
But I need courage, and confidence that this is the right thing. He started the work. He will finish it.
Are you facing something so frightening you can't breathe? Repeat after me:
My dad has a history of heart problems. They started at birth and he has been battling back from them for 76 years. These are but two of my father's health struggles. A diabetic suffering from COPD, his list is lengthy. Cancer? After everything else? REALLY????
One week later, I moved home. I needed to be close to my family.
I feel I have sacrificed much--being near my own kids and two of my four grandchildren. It breaks my heart every day.
It took courage. More courage than I knew I had. So often I have made decisions based on fear. Serving a God who is not limited by time or money is a frightening process. I have to believe He has a plan, one I cannot see or understand.
If you've read any of my previous posts, you have seen a transformation happening in me. I am wandering, looking for myself. I lose myself often only to find more of me. There has always been this nagging within me to just GO, but fear kept me from making major moves.
FEAR!
Of starting over, of being alone, of heartbreak that being so far from my kids and grandkids would be unbearable. Fear that distance from my local friends would devastate me.
And then I remember when one of my daughters moved away a few years ago to support her husband as a Marine. I knew my grandson was going to have a long distance relationship with his gramma, and I was devastated. I was so afraid! But her courage? AMAZING. My fear is nothing compared to a young mother who moves 24 hours away from everything and everyone she knows and has her husband deployed to only God knows where as soon as she gets there.
I have worked SO hard for SO long. I still don't have a place of my own or a job to settle into yet. I've sold nearly every possession I own. Downsize? I'm the master of it. But I have learned valuable lessons. Sometimes life is a series of eliminations to figure out what is right.
I love being a minimalist. There is less to let go of. I'm dependent of the generosity of others, a place to lay my head and a meal in my belly. That's when I know who has my back. Its amazing. And I am so grateful.
This huge gap in my life of not settling down? It led me here. It kept me free. Free of a lease, of a job, or a relationship that would keep me tied down. This is my rest spot, my peace place, where I run to when life is cruel. And its always felt like I was coming home.
I've been here a month. And soon, I hope it will be home. I don't know what the future holds. My dad is getting well quickly. He's a fighter. He believed he would be cancer free, and it looks like he is.
I have some of that fight in me. Life challenges me daily to keep pressing on, and pressing into the Creator. Yesterday this verse kept mulling itself around in my spirit:
"Be confident. He who has done a good work in me will be faithful to complete it." -- Philippians 1:6.
I have questions. Was this a temporary move? Should I head back to Colorado? Or should I keep fighting to build a life here?
I love laughing with my sister, popping in to visit my folks, getting to know the town and feeling like I can be confident and strong and make this thing work. I love being in the midst of mountain ranges and wildlife. I love small town life. I LOVE IT HERE!
But I need courage, and confidence that this is the right thing. He started the work. He will finish it.
Are you facing something so frightening you can't breathe? Repeat after me:
Be confident. I'm a work in progress. And He's still working on me.
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