You're Stronger than You Think

Exhaustion and energy come in waves, like the ebb and tide of the ocean. Even in moments of great promise, when reality of now bites, often the energy is carried out to sea because it takes so much of it to stay afloat. 

That's where I am today. Exhausted. 

I was thinking the other night, as I lay listening to the wind howl, about how much I have gone through. It doesn't matter how much of it may have been self-inflicted, or how much of it came through the actions of another, its been a lot. 

It has taken a great deal of strength to be me. 

I could start a list here. I could point out all of the things I've faced in this crazy lifetime, all of the leaps of faith that I have taken that caused me to fall flat on my face.  But that's not the point I want to make today. 

I want to get back up. I want to help YOU get back up. 

When people lightheartedly ask what my super power is, I say I'm a bootstrapper. 
     "Bootstrapper. The ability to pull oneself up by the bootstraps even when one has no boots." 

GET BACK UP. Be a bootstrapper! 

Go ahead. Wallow in the have nots and the wish I would'ves and the wish I wouldn't haves. Curse the evil done to you. Get angry!  FEEL YOUR TERROR, YOUR HORROR, YOUR HATE!!!! 

And then stop. 

You lived through it. You're still here. You're still fighting. You're still feeling. 

You are stronger than you think. 

I ask "why?" way too often. There just isn't an answer for that. I want to know. But there just isn't an answer! It just is. 

I'm in this place now where I don't want to change who I am or what I went through. I'm exhausted. But I realize that exhaustion comes from fighting this great battle and winning. 

There are people out there that think I've not won a single thing. Unemployed, divorced three times, a business that doesn't stay afloat. I get advice like "Just give up and get a job." They don't know how many times I've done that and how many times it has buried my spirit so deep the ocean waves just cover me deeper in sand and I don't return in the tide with energy. 

It takes a great deal of strength and possibility and energy to be me. I am much stronger than I knew until I realized that this exhaustion is a reminder that I am strong, and that leaps of faith are hard and scary and leave you unsure. 

I've been encouraged a number of times to write an autobiography, to share my stories of triumph. Maybe someday. Right now I am in a state of re-fueling, refreshing, restoring. I am being swept up on the sand with more energy and empowerment. I didn't even know it was there until I was emptied. I am a vessel, cracked, worn, glued back together. I am a message in a bottle. 

My strength is being tested yet again. I always panic. I always give up. I fail.... over and over again. But I'm strong. 

So are you. Stronger than you think.

Don't give in. Just.... be exhausted. And then, breathe in deeply. Because you are being refilled with energy. You are. 

You are stronger than you think.