Where Have I Been?
Where Have I Been?
Crying. Screaming. From the confines of my bedroom to the vast wilderness of the mountains, my voice has been reaching the heavens in pain, crying and screaming.
Have you ever felt like you have been fighting a losing battle, a battle that has left you broken, defeated, and unable to get up? I have been for eighteen years. Eighteen years ago, I had to take a dangerous and frightening step. My marriage ended. I was in poor health. I hadn't had a "real" job in years. I was SO scared.
I've been reading The Message Bible (love it, by the way), beginning at The Beginning, I found myself in Exodus hanging out with angry God. Woo. I can't explain where it came from, but on Tuesday I deviated. I needed to see Loving God. I moved to Proverbs 31. When I read the words "Her children respect and bless her" my heart broke. I've lived shattered and broken and poor in finances and spirit for so long. How could they possibly respect and bless me?
In the few minutes that followed, I fell on this Scripture. I love how the New King James Version reads Luke 13:11-12:
And behold, there was a woman who had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and was bent over and could in no way raise herself up. But when Jesus saw her, He called her to Him and said to her, "Woman, you are loosed from your infirmity."
For 18 years, I have lived in this pain-ridden body, with a broken spirit and broken heart, in defeat! It's been 18 years, just like this scripture says! Eighteen years was a long time. And the past five? Even harder. I was on my knees and unable to get up (just like that scripture said!) and I couldn't take care of myself. Literally.
Then this week the miraculous happened. Something NEW! I found an amazing basement apartment. And I can afford it. ON MY OWN.
I didn't think it was ever going to happen. I thought I was lost in poverty. I felt emotionally incapable of taking care of myself. Impoverished on every level: Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. I believed myself unlovable and unworthy of the risk of loving.
I guess it is time to ask the question "Where have I been?" and "Where am I going?"
I thought I was facing Round 2 of bankruptcy. I thought I was going to have to settle for some pretty disgusting digs when what I really desired was a lovely apartment where I would be safe and could have my grandkids come over. I wanted to feel like I had a home. It seemed as though I would never recover!
EIGHTEEN YEARS. I WANT LOOSED! Something new and precious is happening. Financial healing. Mental healing. physical healing.
Patience, prayer and perseverance proved to be faithful. Chipping away, sometimes less than patiently, and ever so slowly, means that after five years of dependence on the generosity of others while I financially, physically, and emotionally recovered, on May 4th, I am going to have that home.
Eighteen years. Apparently God meant that literally just for me. I'm glad I wasn't so focused on my reading order that I missed His surprise for me.
Don't rush. Don't give up. Keep trying. It's so hard! I had people telling me that I was losing it. Do not to give up, get help! Here I am to tell you the same! YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE WAIT! DON'T QUIT! Patience, prayer and perseverance! Even if it feels like you can't, you CAN. What if I had given up? I never would have noticed that Big God was looking out for Little Ole Me the whole time. He knows I'm a literal thinker, and so it took 18 years for Him to bring me here. Keep chipping away. Love yourself. Dig deep. Something good your way comes!
I AM LOOSED. Where I've been matters much less than where I'm going. And I'm going HOME.
Crying. Screaming. From the confines of my bedroom to the vast wilderness of the mountains, my voice has been reaching the heavens in pain, crying and screaming.
Have you ever felt like you have been fighting a losing battle, a battle that has left you broken, defeated, and unable to get up? I have been for eighteen years. Eighteen years ago, I had to take a dangerous and frightening step. My marriage ended. I was in poor health. I hadn't had a "real" job in years. I was SO scared.
I've been reading The Message Bible (love it, by the way), beginning at The Beginning, I found myself in Exodus hanging out with angry God. Woo. I can't explain where it came from, but on Tuesday I deviated. I needed to see Loving God. I moved to Proverbs 31. When I read the words "Her children respect and bless her" my heart broke. I've lived shattered and broken and poor in finances and spirit for so long. How could they possibly respect and bless me?
In the few minutes that followed, I fell on this Scripture. I love how the New King James Version reads Luke 13:11-12:
And behold, there was a woman who had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and was bent over and could in no way raise herself up. But when Jesus saw her, He called her to Him and said to her, "Woman, you are loosed from your infirmity."
For 18 years, I have lived in this pain-ridden body, with a broken spirit and broken heart, in defeat! It's been 18 years, just like this scripture says! Eighteen years was a long time. And the past five? Even harder. I was on my knees and unable to get up (just like that scripture said!) and I couldn't take care of myself. Literally.
Then this week the miraculous happened. Something NEW! I found an amazing basement apartment. And I can afford it. ON MY OWN.
I didn't think it was ever going to happen. I thought I was lost in poverty. I felt emotionally incapable of taking care of myself. Impoverished on every level: Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. I believed myself unlovable and unworthy of the risk of loving.
I guess it is time to ask the question "Where have I been?" and "Where am I going?"
I thought I was facing Round 2 of bankruptcy. I thought I was going to have to settle for some pretty disgusting digs when what I really desired was a lovely apartment where I would be safe and could have my grandkids come over. I wanted to feel like I had a home. It seemed as though I would never recover!
EIGHTEEN YEARS. I WANT LOOSED! Something new and precious is happening. Financial healing. Mental healing. physical healing.
Patience, prayer and perseverance proved to be faithful. Chipping away, sometimes less than patiently, and ever so slowly, means that after five years of dependence on the generosity of others while I financially, physically, and emotionally recovered, on May 4th, I am going to have that home.
Eighteen years. Apparently God meant that literally just for me. I'm glad I wasn't so focused on my reading order that I missed His surprise for me.
Don't rush. Don't give up. Keep trying. It's so hard! I had people telling me that I was losing it. Do not to give up, get help! Here I am to tell you the same! YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE WAIT! DON'T QUIT! Patience, prayer and perseverance! Even if it feels like you can't, you CAN. What if I had given up? I never would have noticed that Big God was looking out for Little Ole Me the whole time. He knows I'm a literal thinker, and so it took 18 years for Him to bring me here. Keep chipping away. Love yourself. Dig deep. Something good your way comes!
I AM LOOSED. Where I've been matters much less than where I'm going. And I'm going HOME.
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