GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS
It's been awhile. It feels like a good long while. I haven't felt much like sharing. A quick reason why:
On December 9, 2023 I tested positive for Covid for the FOURTH time. Turns out this time it wants to stick around. I have Long-haul Covid. Even after seven weeks I still feel weak and I cough and I just want to sleep.
But sometimes there are good days.
Many of them are bad days. Enough of them that when someone asks how I am, I don't know what to say. At the beginning of the month, when people were wishing others a happy new year, I cringed. I was beginning the new one just as I left the last one.
And not because I was so very sick.
Because I didn't know who I was anymore.
I have a new-ish job that I absolutely love. I am a Museum Education, Event and Programs Coordinator. It's like being a party planner and teacher all rolled into one job. Its fantastic.
But I am exhausted. Not just because I have battled with health issues the past couple of years, or because I turned 60 (although I am quite sure that doesn't help). My BRAIN is tired.
When I take something on, I go all in. I planned and successfully pulled off an amazing Christmas event (which I missed because, well, Covid). The next event is a Celebration of Women's History Month with small businesswomen owners in my town. I am planning speaker events, and treks and tours and children's classes.
My brain and my energy are used up at the end of every day.
The result? Great employee. Terrible me.
Gosh, how do I balance all of this? How do I draw the line between being myself, and being somebody or something else's?
I've failed myself in photography. The photograph at the beginning of this blog post? I took it last January. My lovely photographs are few and far between. I obviously am not writing enough. Press releases and brochure paragraphs don't really count as freelance writing for me.
I want to do yoga, take my dog on long walks, play my musical instruments, go for a drive and take photos, write my children's books. I want to read a book, for heaven's sake!
Perhaps today is a bad day......
Alright, enough whining. Time to start shining.
I have a lot of anxious thoughts right now. I think I need a retreat. Not the kind that involves other women or with friends or programs. Just me. Get a bit quiet. Get grounded. Pick up a book, pick up my camera, pet my dog, take her on a snowy hike, write and write and write, and breathe, slowing enough to pray something other than "God, HELP!!!!"
Many of you use staycations and weekends to do stuff around the house. I will be doing the same today. I haven't fully cleaned my home since....well, shoot, Thanksgiving! Oh goodness......did I mention I have been sick? :-)
So what does it mean to retreat?
Merriam-Webster defines it like this:
"An act of moving away especially from something difficult, dangerous, or disagreeable."
It takes baby steps sometimes. To give myself a little boost, remembering I am a professional photographer, I updated my business card, and am having them printed this week. To remind myself I am a writer, I am reaching out to readers with penned words of mental exhaustion.
We have to LOOK for ways to retreat, to remember who we are. I just stepped away for a moment, because I noticed something new on my spider plant who has lovingly and imposingly taken over my desk. Tiny, tiny flowers are blooming. I had to actually SIT at my desk to see and appreciate them. And take a photograph to share with you.
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©CherieElainePhotography2024 |
So right now, if you are still reading, breathe with me. Breathe in...2...3...4.
Breathe out...2...3...4. Again. Breathe in....2....3.....4. Breathe out.....2.....3.....4.
Do it again with your eyes closed.
Turn off the background noise and listen to something quiet and calming. Not sad....quiet and calming.
Did you do it?
Carve out a mini-retreat. Where is that book I was reading? If you can't remember what it was about, start over. You can always start over! I have done it a thousand times, with books and my life. Spend 10 minutes reading. Just ten. You might watch it disappear into 15 or 20. And before you say you don't have time, your brain needs rest and exercise too. You know how yoga is both? Strengthening but quieting as well? Reading does the same for your brain.
I know blogs may be a thing of the past. I hope you've read far enough to quiet your heart with me. I hope that you can carve out a mini-retreat for yourself. Sometimes I think we are afraid of the quiet. Afraid of what we will make room for. Cast those anxious or ugly thoughts into the waters of the Master, and just RETREAT.
Have a GOOD day. :-)
Love you.
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