I Don't Want to Do This Anymore

Don't go calling the authorities. I'm not throwing in the towel on living. Just on the way I'm living.

Its the result of ending the year the same way this year as I have been for the past however many years.

Broke.
Single.
People-pleasing.
Unsure of myself.
Giving too much of me away.
Not knowing what "me" is.
Waiting for a miracle.
Wondering what the heck I'm doing here.

I don't want to do this anymore! Its exhausting!

Do you feel that way? Do you have repeat New Years Eve thoughts that are like a scene from Groundhog Day but happen once a year--but EVERY STINKIN' YEAR? 

Facebook does this memory thing. "One year ago" and "three years ago" all look the same on my timeline.

Good heavens, I'm so tired of this!

I'm leaving 2015 pretty angry. My independent, strong and courageous exterior? All a facade. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I keep moving sometimes. But I do.

My journal entry from December 26 said this:
      "I went visiting. I laughed. I caused laughter. I was delightful. I was broken. I tell you what, the joy of the Lord being my strength? That's a REAL thing. I may not be the traditional Christian that my churchy people think I should be, but that joy thing? I've got it down. In all of my sorrow, my brokenness....I still laugh. Heartily."

And there it is. When I don't want to do it anymore, I laugh. Joy. I can't stir it up. It just shows up, and  I just know its good medicine. I woke up so deeply sad this morning. As the sun rose, so did my spirits. I'm weary. I DON'T want to do this anymore. I don't want to keep doing/saying/feeling the same thing EVER again.

2015 has been a really tough year. So were all the years before it. But I've brought laughter and joy into the midst of it. What am I going to do differently in 2016? I have no idea. But I have 365 days to work on it. And its going to be different that the rest......with one exception.

There will be laughter...... :-)

Cheers!