Is it the What? Or is it the How?
I've been going through a thing. Okay, a few things. No, no, no, many things. I won't bore you with details.
It has set me to thinking on all of the things we might be going through and how we handle them. And which of these is more important? Is it WHAT we are dealing with? Or is it HOW we are dealing with it?
The death of a loved one, the end of a 15 year marriage, a terminally-ill child, being laid off a job with three months left until retirement. These are true whats. How those life-changing events are handled is completely different for every person who goes through it. Who am I to judge?
Well-wishing friends, neighbors and family members often offer a personalized version of the dissatisfying "all things happen for a reason." Isn't it possible that some things just happen? Sometimes the words "here's what you should do" slip out, too. Its when that advice is REALLY needed that it isn't said. Oh, and here's some advice, "It's not what you're going through but how you handle it," right?
I'm reading A Weekend to Change Your Life by Joan Anderson. She talks about the the difference between using the words but or and. I'm paraphrasing here, but this is what I'm learning:
The word but discards the desire by stopping it in its tracks with a "reason." The word and opens the mind to possibility and does not discard the previous need or want.
Here's an example. My escape is in the trees and on the trails of Colorado and Wyoming. Its where I go to refresh. When I want to leave all of my "whats" behind, they are my "hows."
But, I don't have the money. My car needs a little work. I don't have time. All true statements. The fact is, though, I still want an escape!
Using the word but tells me to abandon the need. Then the What grows a life of its own. It discredits my ability to learn How.
Just because I can't go to the mountains doesn't mean its not important that I need to. Rephrasing What into "I want to go to the mountains, and I have some car issues" grants both things importance, credibility and possibility.
I'm working so hard AND I need to make more money.
I want to go out this weekend AND I have bills piling up.
I haven't slept well in ages AND I have things to do.
I need to get over him AND I just keep crying.
So is what you're going through as important as how you're handling it? Yes. Don't discount the importance of your what. It really is a thing, and it really matters.
It has set me to thinking on all of the things we might be going through and how we handle them. And which of these is more important? Is it WHAT we are dealing with? Or is it HOW we are dealing with it?
The death of a loved one, the end of a 15 year marriage, a terminally-ill child, being laid off a job with three months left until retirement. These are true whats. How those life-changing events are handled is completely different for every person who goes through it. Who am I to judge?
Well-wishing friends, neighbors and family members often offer a personalized version of the dissatisfying "all things happen for a reason." Isn't it possible that some things just happen? Sometimes the words "here's what you should do" slip out, too. Its when that advice is REALLY needed that it isn't said. Oh, and here's some advice, "It's not what you're going through but how you handle it," right?
I'm reading A Weekend to Change Your Life by Joan Anderson. She talks about the the difference between using the words but or and. I'm paraphrasing here, but this is what I'm learning:
The word but discards the desire by stopping it in its tracks with a "reason." The word and opens the mind to possibility and does not discard the previous need or want.
Here's an example. My escape is in the trees and on the trails of Colorado and Wyoming. Its where I go to refresh. When I want to leave all of my "whats" behind, they are my "hows."
But, I don't have the money. My car needs a little work. I don't have time. All true statements. The fact is, though, I still want an escape!
Using the word but tells me to abandon the need. Then the What grows a life of its own. It discredits my ability to learn How.
Just because I can't go to the mountains doesn't mean its not important that I need to. Rephrasing What into "I want to go to the mountains, and I have some car issues" grants both things importance, credibility and possibility.
I'm working so hard AND I need to make more money.
I want to go out this weekend AND I have bills piling up.
I haven't slept well in ages AND I have things to do.
I need to get over him AND I just keep crying.
So is what you're going through as important as how you're handling it? Yes. Don't discount the importance of your what. It really is a thing, and it really matters.
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