I HAVE NO CLUE

 Step out in faith.....wait upon the Lord.

Dream big.....one small step at a time. 

You've got this.....you will rise again.

Conflicting words, all meant for our good, but they are confusing, aren't they?

I have had some really huge spiritual moments lately. So much so that I am struggling to find words for them. So deep and intimate, that my soul isn't relinquishing the right to keep them to myself. Accidentally landing in sacred places, removing my shoes because it is Holy ground. 

I did not see a burning bush, but still....I saw something. I am not high....but I've been drawn higher. I am not crazy.....but it all seems unreal. 

I am emotionally exhausted. Spiritually settled. I am too tired to fight anymore. 

Have you ever surrendered yourself to the Lord's purpose only to discover you've kept that little itty bitty teeny weeny bit back for yourself in case you don't like what He has planned? Me. All the time. 

But then guess what? It happens. Whatever it is. I have no clue. But it did, and I was privileged to walk into it. No direction. No new path. Just a soul so weary I said "Okay, let's go." And then we did. 

I can't say it was refreshing, or renewal. It was just new. I have no clue what to call it. Different? Yes, I am, but God isn't. Same today, tomorrow, and the next and the next.... I think I just went deeper. 

My journal entry from Thursday might explain it better:

     I've been unable to really still my mind enough to process. I've been lost to myself. Tuesday was a huge spiritual experience. 

     Scott Ratliff* says that to walk the red path is to be committed to living a courageous and purposeful life. It is the shared belief of most Native tribes. So I walked a red path--barefoot. Praying. I want to serve my purpose, DO what God has called in me to do. 

     

     Months ago I had left a silver cross tied around the wrist with a purple ribbon of a statue of Sacajawea. Anchored by spiderwebs, surviving snow, hail, rain and wind, it is still there.

 

     I also stumbled into sacred territory on the reservation. It was quite by accident that I ended up in a place I shouldn't have been. I felt the reverence and beauty of the place, and while overcome by it, my desire and enthusiasm had me grabbing my camera. I was quickly scolded by four men. No cameras allowed! I quickly threw my camera in the back of my car and apologized. I want to honor God, His people, and His creation with my camera. Instead, I had dishonored all of it. I turned my car around and drove up to the men. I NEEDED to apologize again. The eldest of the men approached the car. I told him how awful I felt, that I would never intentionally dishonor them. My heart continued to ache and tears sting my face until, with great intention, I deleted the few images I had captured. Even doing so was spiritual for me, reminding me that even unintentional sin can show one the complete aptitude of grace in which we are forgiven. 

     Later I stumbled upon an ancient Labyrinth once walked upon and prayed in by Franciscans. I too, walked and prayed. I didn't really know what I was praying for. But I just cried out to Creator. And was joined by a wolf. Had I not seen it myself, and had not captured photographs of it, I would not believe it.

     The day was amazing. Emptying. Exhausting. 

Emptying. That is the best description I have. Preconceived notions or teachings of who or what I am supposed to believe just emptied. And I knew the Holy Spirit within. It wasn't noisy. Not even joyful. Just.....emptied and finally quieted and at rest. 

What's next? I have no clue. But being empty is the first step to letting God do the filling of space. And I've no doubt He will. And it's wonderful to let go so He can DO.

Love you. Thank you for walking with me.