It Takes Courage
Last night I slept for six straight hours without waking. SIX HOURS!!!! Now I know that isn't a big deal for some of you. But for me? Its the first time in a really long time that its happened. How lovely the coveted sleep was! I've never been a lover of sleep as some are. But it sure felt good.
I made a decision yesterday that took enormous amounts of courage. I have to face feeling broken. My heart hurts. I'm afraid it will never stop. But it was a step for me that gave way to sleep. Loving is risky. It is not for the fainthearted. I had to make a conscious choice to stop. It wasn't what I wanted. But it was necessary. And then there was sleep.
Today I am trying to muster up courage to make yet another big decision. My work life. Its killing me. I think that may be true literally. NO ONE SHOULD WORK SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. And everyone needs sleep. This "work" is knocking the wind out of me. And you know what? I'm no better off than I was when I wasn't working what the boss calls "my real job." Still broke. Still frustrated. Still worried about money. Heck. I can do that and be a starving artist.
And there's the reality. I don't like starving. But I LOVE BEING AN ARTIST.
Painting my toenails. Watching movies. Reading a good book because I want to. Going for walks with my grandkids! There are so many people that don't even understand that some of us don't have time for those things.
I miss playing music. Taking pictures. Writing. Being ME. I miss my artist. The person I'm created to be.
Why do I paint my world with doubt? It ALWAYS comes down to this. But.... I'm a chicken.
It takes courage to fight for who you are. Its a battle! But who I am is what I'm good at! You know why? Because its what I am created to be! And the fight? The battle? Not mine. His. I just have to put my Warrior Princess clothes on and swing that sword.
Courage. It takes courage. I'm strong, out of necessity. But courageous? No way. There's a big difference. Bravery is not my gift. But I am filling that courage tank. Watch out world. I just put on my superhero cape.....
I made a decision yesterday that took enormous amounts of courage. I have to face feeling broken. My heart hurts. I'm afraid it will never stop. But it was a step for me that gave way to sleep. Loving is risky. It is not for the fainthearted. I had to make a conscious choice to stop. It wasn't what I wanted. But it was necessary. And then there was sleep.
Today I am trying to muster up courage to make yet another big decision. My work life. Its killing me. I think that may be true literally. NO ONE SHOULD WORK SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. And everyone needs sleep. This "work" is knocking the wind out of me. And you know what? I'm no better off than I was when I wasn't working what the boss calls "my real job." Still broke. Still frustrated. Still worried about money. Heck. I can do that and be a starving artist.
And there's the reality. I don't like starving. But I LOVE BEING AN ARTIST.
Painting my toenails. Watching movies. Reading a good book because I want to. Going for walks with my grandkids! There are so many people that don't even understand that some of us don't have time for those things.
I miss playing music. Taking pictures. Writing. Being ME. I miss my artist. The person I'm created to be.
Why do I paint my world with doubt? It ALWAYS comes down to this. But.... I'm a chicken.
It takes courage to fight for who you are. Its a battle! But who I am is what I'm good at! You know why? Because its what I am created to be! And the fight? The battle? Not mine. His. I just have to put my Warrior Princess clothes on and swing that sword.
Courage. It takes courage. I'm strong, out of necessity. But courageous? No way. There's a big difference. Bravery is not my gift. But I am filling that courage tank. Watch out world. I just put on my superhero cape.....
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