Irretrievable Moments

Kids don't have irretrievable moments. They live each and every one of them that they spend awake. They create their moments so that none of them are wasted. Those evenings when they fall asleep before they get into a bath are the result of their ability to live and play hard. They go for the cake because its good. They aren't concerned with calories or sugar or carbs. They just know cake is a good experience. They chase bubbles because they can. They make castles out of couch pillows and forts out of dining room tables. They don't care if their clothes don't match or if their hair isn't combed. They don't care who is watching, if they want to dance, they dance. Kids live in the moments. They don't plan. They just do. 

My journaling time this week has been depressing and negative. I've been battling a mysterious illness that has kicked me off my feet for a couple of months. This week was the week I felt like I couldn't take any more! I wasn't enjoying myself, I wasn't communicating well. I was just sick and tired. It was a week that I just let go. I didn't live in it, and I didn't really care about anything anymore. Because I wanted answers and I was desperate to feel better, I just quit. 

I had an irretrievable week. 

I was given the gift of getting out. I love the mountains. They fuel me. I love my friends. They support me. I love special moments when I know I am being looked on with favor. But those things did not heal the desperate darkness I was falling into. 

I have been saying that no matter what happens, if I'm dying, then I'm living every day better, and if I'm not, then I am going to appreciate living every day better. But what happened while I was waiting to find out? I quit living all together. I got lost in my thoughts. I couldn't reach outside of my own little world because I was in self-preservation mode. And I stayed there. 

The result? The irretrievable week. Days lost. Moments lost. An invisible shell built around me. I couldn't escape. 

I DO want to live better. I want the heart of a child. I want to live, create, get dirty, play hard, eat cake, blow bubbles, build castles and forts, dance when I feel like it, sing out loud, quit planning and just DO. 

I don't ever want to look back on my journal entries and see irretrievable moments again. I don't want to lose weeks at a time, months at a time, or moments at a time. Once they are gone, they are GONE! You can't take time back! 

I lost a week. Its the last one I'm going to lose. I'm not talking about lazy days. Those are important days and I believe everyone should have them once in awhile. Your body needs rest, your brain needs rest. I'm talking about the moments that are wasted. 

Worry, fear, loss. They steal moments. And those moments cannot come back. 

No more irretrievable moments. I'm going to be a kid again. 

Live better. Every moment counts.