Let's Talk About Divorce

Let's talk about divorce. 

This is a hard subject for many of us. 

I mentioned in my last blog that I binge watched Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce. Before you begin to judge my choice to watch a show definitely made for mature audiences that is extremely sexually explicit, let me tell you why I did. 

Its REAL. 

Divorce is horrible. It brings out the worst in people. It doesn't care who is right or wrong, it breaks open the hearts of everyone and watches them bleed without remorse. It makes people behave badly. 

I didn't fall into the persona of any of the characters in the show. But I know so many women who did. Sexual promiscuity, one partner or many, addiction to alcohol or drugs, or food (that was mine). The one common thread between all of the bad behaviors? 

IT IS THE RESULT OF CRAVING LOVE. 

When a woman craves love, it doesn't mean sex. Sex is a by-product. It means appreciation. Kind words. Her partner going out of their way to validate her worth. Enough freedom to grow within their relationship as well as outside of it while the partner does the same, whether they are ahead or behind. It means affection. Kisses that don't mean sex. Kisses that do. She needs more than attention. She needs affection. 

That is the kind of love a woman can get into.  If she does? GREAT SEX.  

And when she doesn't? DUTIFUL SEX. She starts to shut down. She becomes frigid. She gives obligatory love.  

When she frees herself from the duty love requires of her, the separation from the person she feels broken by, the door opens for someone who will give her kindness, validation, freedom and affection. She just might misinterpret that and use sex as love. She learned it by practicing. 

Sex makes her believe she is worthy. 

This was not behavior that I engaged in. I SHUT DOWN. I was single for 13 years before I even entertained the idea of dating. I have a complicated history that meant physical affection was not even on my radar. I needed freed from the demands of it! I put on an enormous amount of weight just to keep the boogie men away. 

But some of my friends? They were starved for it. They became the patrons of divorce sex. 

This is why I kept watching the show.  I knew the reality of the pain that comes from divorce. The tears. Not getting enough sleep. Having a mental breakdown or sinking so low into depression that you can't get out of bed. 

I watched the behavior of my dearest friends change. I saw the utter dependence of women who needed taken care of make the mistake of being taken care of (if you get my drift).  

Watching Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce, I was reminded of how REAL it all was. I KNOW how screwed up a bad marriage can make a person, and even how much more screwed up divorce can make a person. There is a desperation to be free yet be loved.

I'm not advocating for this show. No one is paying me to talk about it. In fact, I don't advise you watch it unless you are in an open mindset. But I do understand the way these situations happen. 

While married, I suffered trying to feel I was a person of my own making. I was raised in a very complicated home. I chose to marry a complicated man. Its what I knew. When it ended, I chose to let myself be wrapped in the non-intrusive arms of the refrigerator, and let something in the neighborhood of 60-ish pounds hide my pain. Others need the arms of a man because pretending its love is better than believing its not.

When its too late, its too late. Divorce is heartbreaking. What's really heartbreaking is that a marriage can be so broken that it can't be fixed. By then,

it is shared by very broken people, and often, that is the only thing they have left in common.

I feel like divorce is so common now that we don't talk about it like we used to. It's so easy to end it. The WORK involved is hard. The KIDS go through HELL. But we aren't talking about it before we get there!

I hope that someday I get to be married again. But he will have to let me be me, and encourage me to be so. And I will have to let him be himself, and encourage him to be so. And we will figure out how to put two very different lives together and make it a beautiful life. 

One last thing. I have been hearing the words "You do you" and "Know your why" a lot lately. I think that couples need to talk about those things, don't you? You absolutely have to be yourself. That means knowing who you are. And keeping up with her so she doesn't get lost. Know your why, so when your partner asks, you can tell them. Its the inability to understand, the inability to communicate that makes them feel threatened. Have an answer ready when they ask you. Finally, LOVE PASSIONATELY. Figure out what your partner needs and DO THAT THING. Both of you. 

Much love.