SELF-LOVE: THE DELICATE BALANCE
Take it from someone who has been self-absorbed for the past 20 years. There is such a thing as loving yourself TOO much.
Before we get too far into this, I want to say this has little to do with taking care of yourself. Here's the delicate balance, the pieces of ourselves that cannot be separated. I believe in self-care. I believe you should take a bath, be healthy, stand up up for yourself, continually care enough to improve your body, mind and spirit, see a therapist, do fun things, and have an abundant life.
Here's the catch. When you care too much about what you're going through, and all you see is you, you, you, you can actually tip the scales to stop caring at all. We all have the ability to become narcissistic. We're born that way! When we enter the world, it's all about us. And its easy to slip back into that when none of it seems to be.
This morning during my quiet time, feeling so sorry for myself, and in a moment of panic because two job interviews I expected today had canceled, something tilted. My thinking shifted. A Holy Spirit moment emerged. And it started in the most unlikely place. With my ex-husband.
I have spent so many years feeling sorry for myself (translation, blaming the whole dad-gum thing on him) because I wasn't able to financially recover after divorce. It doesn't matter who is to blame for the fallout. Nope. It matters that the one thing I didn't recognize until this morning was never said.
He was a great financial provider. And I never acknowledged that.
I would think things like, "This is the price I pay for getting divorced." No, no, no. That's not it at all. It's because I never allowed myself to be grateful for what being married to him gave me.
I got to be a stay-at-home mom while we were married. We were a homeschool family until the girls went into junior high school. My daughters and I took road trips -- just the girls and I, twice a year. They always had clothes and food and they had dance lessons and ice-skating lessons, and a great education and beautiful weddings.
I never said thank you. Until this morning.
This morning, my heart filled up with gratitude. My walls of pride came tumbling down. And I sent him a text that said thank you for always being such a good provider for our family. It took this much time to give him that praise.
Then I sent messages to people who let me live with them when I couldn't take care of myself, and those who made sure I had life experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and humble, and grateful.
What does any of this have to do with self-love?
I thought that protecting myself from the pain meant hiding it deep within myself so it was readily available when I needed it. I thought that being self-absorbed was the only way to recovery when I hadn't recovered at all. I thought self-care meant being selfish with myself once in a while so that I had more to give back. And in the meantime, I went deeper within the self that I loathed, the part that felt unworthy and unloved. And I hid her.
There is a delicate balance when choosing self-love over self-loathing. I thought I was loving myself by withholding the part of me that needed to say thank you. I thought that by being just a little bit distant, I had a little bit of control when I felt I had none.
So here she is, the me, totally exposed, and part of the wall crumbling as I scramble over it.
Sometimes loving yourself means loving others more.
Here are some things I am reminding myself of every single day so that I can get back on track:
And then, choose to love yourself--body, mind and spirit.
I love you. :-) And I'm grateful you're here.
Before we get too far into this, I want to say this has little to do with taking care of yourself. Here's the delicate balance, the pieces of ourselves that cannot be separated. I believe in self-care. I believe you should take a bath, be healthy, stand up up for yourself, continually care enough to improve your body, mind and spirit, see a therapist, do fun things, and have an abundant life.
Here's the catch. When you care too much about what you're going through, and all you see is you, you, you, you can actually tip the scales to stop caring at all. We all have the ability to become narcissistic. We're born that way! When we enter the world, it's all about us. And its easy to slip back into that when none of it seems to be.
This morning during my quiet time, feeling so sorry for myself, and in a moment of panic because two job interviews I expected today had canceled, something tilted. My thinking shifted. A Holy Spirit moment emerged. And it started in the most unlikely place. With my ex-husband.
I have spent so many years feeling sorry for myself (translation, blaming the whole dad-gum thing on him) because I wasn't able to financially recover after divorce. It doesn't matter who is to blame for the fallout. Nope. It matters that the one thing I didn't recognize until this morning was never said.
He was a great financial provider. And I never acknowledged that.
I would think things like, "This is the price I pay for getting divorced." No, no, no. That's not it at all. It's because I never allowed myself to be grateful for what being married to him gave me.
I got to be a stay-at-home mom while we were married. We were a homeschool family until the girls went into junior high school. My daughters and I took road trips -- just the girls and I, twice a year. They always had clothes and food and they had dance lessons and ice-skating lessons, and a great education and beautiful weddings.
I never said thank you. Until this morning.
This morning, my heart filled up with gratitude. My walls of pride came tumbling down. And I sent him a text that said thank you for always being such a good provider for our family. It took this much time to give him that praise.
Then I sent messages to people who let me live with them when I couldn't take care of myself, and those who made sure I had life experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and humble, and grateful.
What does any of this have to do with self-love?
I thought that protecting myself from the pain meant hiding it deep within myself so it was readily available when I needed it. I thought that being self-absorbed was the only way to recovery when I hadn't recovered at all. I thought self-care meant being selfish with myself once in a while so that I had more to give back. And in the meantime, I went deeper within the self that I loathed, the part that felt unworthy and unloved. And I hid her.
There is a delicate balance when choosing self-love over self-loathing. I thought I was loving myself by withholding the part of me that needed to say thank you. I thought that by being just a little bit distant, I had a little bit of control when I felt I had none.
So here she is, the me, totally exposed, and part of the wall crumbling as I scramble over it.
Sometimes loving yourself means loving others more.
Here are some things I am reminding myself of every single day so that I can get back on track:
- Choose to practice courage.
- Choose to create joy.
- Choose to live in gratitude.
- Choose to be compassionate.
- Choose to awaken you authentic self.
- Choose to love others as you do yourself.
- Choose to let God show you how madly in love with you He is.
And then, choose to love yourself--body, mind and spirit.
I love you. :-) And I'm grateful you're here.
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| A selfie. :-) 02/11/2020 |
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