HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH TO SHARE?

 

©CherieElainePhotography2023

As I sit pondering my peaceful places this morning, my heart is heavy. It is heavy for the hurting, and that includes myself. I have to wonder if my story can help others, or if I would be oversharing to explain the past five days of my life. 

I'm sharing. I'm sharing because sometimes desperation leads to peace that passes understanding. 

Please join me in my personal journey. I prayerfully write that it brings you hope.

Five days ago, while sitting in a zoom class, I suddenly felt as though I was sitting in a kayak, and rolling into the water on the left side, and my computer was going with me. I know now that that is vertigo. I didn't know it then. I just knew something was wrong. I knew it could be blood pressure or blood sugar so I did my best to check those. Both way too high. It was alarming to me. I felt off. 

I called my best friend and told her something was wrong. I went to the ER hoping to stop whatever was happening in its tracks before it stopped me. I thought I was having a stroke. I was scared to death. 

CT scan. EKG. Blood work. I was sent home heavily sedated, a state in which I stayed thanks to really strong meds for three days with strict orders of bedrest until I could see my doctor. 

She took me off of the sedating drugs. We discussed what was going on. She was very kind and chose her words carefully. I was suffering physiological symptoms due to psychological trauma. 

In other words, to quote my sister, I just had myself a huge nervous breakdown. 

Doctor says I need a retreat, go camping, get quiet, put the screens away, quit striving and relax. Yoga, water therapy, self care. 

Getting ready for camping is my task for today. Its rainy and cold but its the only way I can truly unwind right now. 

Do you know that I can't even log back into class? The trauma of that experience has me a nervous wreck just hearing the sound of the instructor's voice. 

So how much IS too much to share? 

As much as you want to read. I woke troubled, scared and very, very tired this morning. I wanted to stay in bed, praying the birds would be the only voices I would hear today. 

From my journal:

     I am tired. Tired of marketing and not doing. Tired of working and not having enough. Tired of ads instead of connection on social media. I've worked my ass off and spent every available dollar I've had access to and I'm tapped out. 

     What, LORD? WHAT?

     This life isn't working. *sigh*

     I need to get away from here, LORD. I need to be alone to sit Your presence. But I can't. $$$$ Gas money. 

     I need You, LORD. 

     I need You to just be with me. 

     I need You to supply all my needs.

     I need health in body and mind. 

And then....because mercies are new every morning, remnants of scriptures I knew from days gone by began coming to mind. So I started searching. I found them. I prayed them. 

     LORD, may I be strong and courageous. Let me not fear or be in dread of anything. It is You, GOD who goes with me. You will not leave me or forsake me. You will be with me. I will not be dismayed.  (Deuteronomy 31:6-8)

     LORD, let me find stillness, that I may know You are God.  (Psalm 46:10)

     LORD, Your Word says You will supply every one of my needs, according to Your riches in glory. My need is great. Please care for me. (Philippians 4:19)

     LORD, all of Your promises are Yes in You. It is through You that I can utter amen. It is You who will establish me in Christ, and it is You who have anointed me. Put Your seal on me, give me Your Spirit in my heart as a guarantee. (2 Corinthians 1:20-22)

     LORD, bring me health and healing, and reveal to me abundance, prosperity, and security. Restore, rebuild, and cleanse me from all my guilt and sin. Let my name be a joy and a praise and glory to You. (Jeremiah 33:6-9)

     Amen. 

My hands still tremble. My heart still feels as though it is beating out of my chest. But I am here. I am stable because He holds not only my future, but my now. I can reset with faith, as small as it is, and I am trusting in His Word. 

May His words be your source of whatever you are facing. He is never so far away that He cannot reach you. 

Love you. 

©CherieElainePhotography2023