NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE (OR, FILL YOUR OWN DAMN CUP)

 

©CherieElainePhotography2023

I am that tree. Bent over. The rest of my co-trees stand tall. They have all the nutrients they need. But they want more. They want mine. But I don't have any to share. The nutrient suckers have weighed me down and I need some time to get realigned with myself. 

Some of you are going to be put out by what I have to say. But I'm saying this because of what some of you have said. 

Don't dismay. Encouragement comes in the morning. :-) Or at the end of this rant. 

I am worn out. Emotionally and physically. Tapped. No more. I'm tired. ALL OF THE TIME. Not what I've asked for, but the life I've been dealt, and the one that my Maker believes I am strong enough to handle. If He gave me this life, who am I to doubt I can do it? 

I don't doubt it. I just don't do it the way others want me to. 

I'm sure I have high expectations that lead me to disarm my friends at times because they don't "perform" how I want them to. I am going to REALLY work on that. In the meantime, I am going to explain why I'm not performing. 

I shouldn't have to. You know who I am, what I've gone through, what I am going through, and what will ever be my lifestyle. I'm in poor health. Always have been. Always will be. Sometimes I have sections of my life where I feel like a warrior and I can tackle anything. 

This is not that time. 

I've done such a good job of overcoming in the past that not bouncing out of this is hard for some of my tree-tribe to understand. They send messages wondering if they've done something wrong, or making me feel like a heel because I can't be available they way they want me to be. 

Guess what kids? YOU DON'T KNOW MY STRUGGLE. 

In the event that you are thinking you are the only one I am directing this at, you aren't. I haven't done this to you, this is happening to me, and there are more than one of you who don't get it. 

So why a public platform to point this out? 

To bring this lesson to the masses: 

 Most of the time it's not about you. 

Sometimes its about having to work one's arse off to make ends meet. Sometimes its about the inability to work one's arse off to make ends meet because the arse is broken. Sometimes one needs a break from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to heal said broken arse. 

And that's where I'm at. I'm a broken arse. My performing days are over. I am digging deep into my roots so that I can stand up again. 

I just got worn out. I got nothing left to give. 

A cup can't overflow if it is bone dry. 

I have to figure myself out. I don't have the luxury of raising a family and finding my joy in them any more. I don't have the luxury of a husband who picks up the slack or contributes financially. I don't have a family who invests in me to help me succeed in my business. It's all me. 

Instead of asking your good friends how come they aren't being good friends to you, how about asking how you can be a good friend to them? 

Yeah, I suck at that. Sometimes. Sometimes I'm brilliant at it. Sometimes I just can't. 

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I CAN'T. 

But I'm not sorry that I'm not. Because right now? I'm taking care of myself because myself has been depleted. 

Its not personal.....except to me. 

I love you. Absolutely I love you. But even Jesus had to get away to rest. I am just doing it months at a time. 

I'll be back. Promise. This tree isn't about to break. It's only bent. I'll be upright before you know it. It's a season. That's all.

Did I mention I love you? I do. :-)