On a Fence
Writing makes me feel vulnerable. I journal every day. Once in awhile tidbits of wisdom make it to this page, and I share with you. I am a woman of vision, though, and fear grips me, and tells me I am not wise enough, clear-headed enough, or intelligent enough to do "this." Doing "this" is exactly what I am going to share with you today.
I have NO IDEA what "this" is.
Without writing an autobiography, I want to share that the past 20 or so years have been devastatingly hard. I suffer chronic pain due to not one, not two, but many forms of illness that there are no cures for, only treatments. I've worked four jobs, exhausting myself completely only to have to stop everything in its tracks to regroup, reorganize and rest. I had three daughters to raise. Single parenting is HARD (hats off to all of you who are doing the same!). I've fallen madly in love but not been in a relationship because, well, I haven't been loved back. I'm poor as dirt, because getting a college degree in my 50's didn't really help my financial situation at all. But, more about dirt later.
I woke up this morning with this thought in my head:
Today is the day it changes.
Literally, woke up to it. Was it my thought? Did the Spirit pop it in there? How does one wake up to that kind of thought?
This is what I am going to call panic week. I am faced with changes. AGAIN (if you could see the look on my face.....NOT pretty). Work. Relationships. Home.
I am in love, but I don't have a boyfriend.
I have a good roof over my head, but it is not my home.
I have a job, but that could change on Thursday, and it isn't my career.
I have been giving love and money WAY TOO MUCH POWER. I don't love money. I just need it! And I've let the love fantasy abide for so long it started to feel real.
I have to give him up and that up and this up.
I'm sitting on a fence. On one side an ocean, although beautiful, and vast and visible, it is crashing against the fence. On the other side, a dirt road leading into a forest, dense with trees. I can't see far, but I can see that it goes somewhere.
My emotions and thoughts are all over the place.
Its scary, up here, on the fence.
I KNOW I could easily fall into the ocean, where my shattered dreams and scattered pieces would fall apart, and be beaten against waves but moving, and at least I would be FEELING, even if tossed and in pain. Crashing, crashing, crashing.....
The dirt road. Its beautiful. But I can't see where it goes. I know the crashing ocean waves. That solid ground, that beautiful lush forest. Where does it go?
The man I love, the job I hate, and the roof over my head, they are comforts, and I know them. They are on the fence with me. I long for more but the pain, the pain of giving these up scare me so badly.
There's adventure down there. Not in the ocean. Its drowning me. Been there. Wallowed in it. I keep getting swept up on shore. Like God Almighty Himself is saying "Cherie, let's try that again, shall we?"
I haven't noticed the dirt road before. Adventure.
I get scared, I climb back up on this fence, I fall into the ocean, wash up to shore, repeat.
I have to let go. Of love, and comfort, and worrying about money. BROADEN my view of the forest.
I'm going to sit up here just a little longer, okay, God? Don't let me fall, please, don't let me fall. I want to jump down onto the road. I do. I'm just really scared.
It's going to hurt, that jump, isn't it? But its going to be REALLY COOL too. You're going to help with that, right?
Okay, I'm going to jump. Just.....catch me okay? I don't want to start by breaking anything important.....
Wow, its pretty down here. I will be dropping pieces of my brokenness along the way. Dirt has a really cool way of recycling and reusing and making more dirt out of, well, dirt. I will leave my lover to another, and look for a new career path (maybe it will be something creative and completely NEW), and find a place that will become my home.
I am grateful for the things I'll be leaving on the fence. Will they tumble into the sea or will they show up again on the road? Love, home, security. Those things, the things I've put so much faith in, are the things that deserve my time and energy, but I've given them my heart so completely that I've had to perch up on that fence just to hold on to them.
The road.....the road. Something completely new awaits me.....
Today is the day it changes. Get off the fence.
I have NO IDEA what "this" is.
Without writing an autobiography, I want to share that the past 20 or so years have been devastatingly hard. I suffer chronic pain due to not one, not two, but many forms of illness that there are no cures for, only treatments. I've worked four jobs, exhausting myself completely only to have to stop everything in its tracks to regroup, reorganize and rest. I had three daughters to raise. Single parenting is HARD (hats off to all of you who are doing the same!). I've fallen madly in love but not been in a relationship because, well, I haven't been loved back. I'm poor as dirt, because getting a college degree in my 50's didn't really help my financial situation at all. But, more about dirt later.
I woke up this morning with this thought in my head:
Today is the day it changes.
Literally, woke up to it. Was it my thought? Did the Spirit pop it in there? How does one wake up to that kind of thought?
This is what I am going to call panic week. I am faced with changes. AGAIN (if you could see the look on my face.....NOT pretty). Work. Relationships. Home.
I am in love, but I don't have a boyfriend.
I have a good roof over my head, but it is not my home.
I have a job, but that could change on Thursday, and it isn't my career.
I have been giving love and money WAY TOO MUCH POWER. I don't love money. I just need it! And I've let the love fantasy abide for so long it started to feel real.
I have to give him up and that up and this up.
I'm sitting on a fence. On one side an ocean, although beautiful, and vast and visible, it is crashing against the fence. On the other side, a dirt road leading into a forest, dense with trees. I can't see far, but I can see that it goes somewhere.
My emotions and thoughts are all over the place.
Its scary, up here, on the fence.
I KNOW I could easily fall into the ocean, where my shattered dreams and scattered pieces would fall apart, and be beaten against waves but moving, and at least I would be FEELING, even if tossed and in pain. Crashing, crashing, crashing.....
The dirt road. Its beautiful. But I can't see where it goes. I know the crashing ocean waves. That solid ground, that beautiful lush forest. Where does it go?
The man I love, the job I hate, and the roof over my head, they are comforts, and I know them. They are on the fence with me. I long for more but the pain, the pain of giving these up scare me so badly.
There's adventure down there. Not in the ocean. Its drowning me. Been there. Wallowed in it. I keep getting swept up on shore. Like God Almighty Himself is saying "Cherie, let's try that again, shall we?"
I haven't noticed the dirt road before. Adventure.
I get scared, I climb back up on this fence, I fall into the ocean, wash up to shore, repeat.
I have to let go. Of love, and comfort, and worrying about money. BROADEN my view of the forest.
I'm going to sit up here just a little longer, okay, God? Don't let me fall, please, don't let me fall. I want to jump down onto the road. I do. I'm just really scared.
It's going to hurt, that jump, isn't it? But its going to be REALLY COOL too. You're going to help with that, right?
Okay, I'm going to jump. Just.....catch me okay? I don't want to start by breaking anything important.....
Wow, its pretty down here. I will be dropping pieces of my brokenness along the way. Dirt has a really cool way of recycling and reusing and making more dirt out of, well, dirt. I will leave my lover to another, and look for a new career path (maybe it will be something creative and completely NEW), and find a place that will become my home.
I am grateful for the things I'll be leaving on the fence. Will they tumble into the sea or will they show up again on the road? Love, home, security. Those things, the things I've put so much faith in, are the things that deserve my time and energy, but I've given them my heart so completely that I've had to perch up on that fence just to hold on to them.
The road.....the road. Something completely new awaits me.....
Today is the day it changes. Get off the fence.
Comments
Post a Comment