I WANTED IT SO BAD......

In the words of the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want."

To which I first reply in a very unladylike manner before throwing my hands in the air and saying, "Of course not."

Our lives are a combination of a series of disappointments and surprises. I have had both, but today it feels like I have more disappointing surprises than anything. 

I know that's not true. I know that in my little 500 square foot apartment, there is much more than I could have asked for. Beautiful photographs grace the walls that represent the work I do, the work that enriches my life. I have a wall of books that take me to other places, and teach me things I would not otherwise have learned, and introduce me into the lives of real and interesting people. It is warm and sunny in here. My dog, Belle is sunbathing right now as I write. It is my space that I've decorated and made my own, surprising even myself with its style. My thousands of family photographs are now in a cabinet in my living room instead of in a storage unit. My guitars and my violin are out. A huge closet houses my photography studio that folds down enough to tuck away with my camping equipment. When the snow goes away camping will be just 20 minutes away. 

But this is what I notice daily. I notice the amount of dust in the building, I notice the smell of a building that houses elderly people. I smell salt and melting snow on a dirty carpet that hasn't been cleaned in a number of years. Apparently I am highly responsive to smell. Yay for candles!

I hear doors slamming at all hours of the night. I have residents that look in my windows and watch for my car and stand outside my doorway because down the hall in the office would just be too much for them to wait for. 

And I don't sleep. Not well, anyway. I have a smart watch that tracks it for me. It's not happy. I have very high blood pressure. And every day I hope it is the day I get to get away. 

If you've made it this far, thank you for allowing me to complain! Sheez! 

Here's a little pretty spot for your eyes to land while you recover from my angst. 

©CherieElainePhotography2023

Here's the truth. People are going to both surprise and disappoint you. Places will, things will, cars will, vacations will, etc. Even God is going to disappoint you. 

They say that God's yes is better than yours. 

I so want to believe that. For YEARS I've wanted a photography studio and gallery. I can forgo the gallery now. But a studio? Oh my goodness, a place to make artistic fun and beautiful portraits in? YES PLEASE! Twice now I have found what I thought would be the perfect places, but God says no. 

SO DISAPPOINTING. 

I wonder does it mean forever? Or just for now? Would I be settling in the town I live in instead of waiting for the place I really want to be? Isn't it just an expense I don't need to add right now? Doesn't anyone believe in the work I do to invest in it with me? 

I don't know any really wealthy people, but I know two who HAVE the money and I love them, and I want them to think its a worthy investment. Apparently they don't. 

In my head this feels like they don't believe in me, or think I'm good enough at it to succeed. But is that the truth? 

I wanted it so bad......for about three days. I'm talking myself out of it because, well, there's no way I can do it alone, and since I want to believe God wants the best for me and He said no, then I need to let it go, yes? 

Readers, this isn't going to end with flowery happy words of encouragement. I am really, really sad right now. 

BUT...... I have to step out in faith that God DOES want me to succeed, He DOES want me to have a great life, He DOES think I can, because He DID equip me with the talent. 

Did he say no? Yep. Am I happy about that? Nope. Has he said no so many times before? Yep. Am I disappointed? Yep. But sometimes there are surprises. So I am going to watch for those. 

Deep breath. Begin the day. Hello Sunshine, thanks for joining me. 

Much love,

Cherie