I AM NOT THE SAME!

This one is for family and friends who are, out of good intentions, crying out for my attention. 

I AM VERY TIRED. 

I don't have time for everyone or everything or anyone or anything, really. It's got nothing to do with anyone or anything. Just me. 

I AM VERY TIRED. 

I have run on all cylinders for so long that nothing seems to refresh me any longer. Of course, not having enough time for refreshment has a lot to do with that. Its a simple as this: 

I AM NOT THE SAME. 

I am 60 years old, and my body reminds my mind of that often. I do not have a spouse, much less a working spouse, or retirement or inheritance or any of those things that keep you afloat as you age. I have to work my ass off. And I'm not making enough money to change anything while I do it. So, here I go again, looking for a new job, that will pay me enough to make ends meet. 

A lot of people take it for granted that there is food in their refrigerator or pantry. They can pick up a snack or a make a meal because it is there. I don't have that luxury. I have ice packs in my freezer because I am in constant pain and meds in two shelves of my refrigerator. May I remind you that I have Lupus, RA, Diabetes, Neuropathy, Bone spurs on my spine, High blood pressure and severe depression that is only controlled by drugs. 

I AM NOT THE SAME!

I don't complain often, because I WANT to work and keep pushing and act like a normal, healthy, vibrant 60  year-old woman. But I'm not. And, I take care of my mom. She doesn't drive, and she has physical issues that I am trying hard to help her overcome, and she is 80 and needs help. I'm busy, okay? 

This weekend I will work until 11:00pm on Friday, until 10:00pm on Saturday and all day Sunday. I will also tag Thursday on the front and Monday on the back end of all of that. 

I AM NOT THE SAME!

Do you really want to know what's wrong? I want to write, and take photographs, and do my calling for awhile and get those things moving forward again. Don't tell me I've tried that before and it didn't work. That means you are telling me I failed. I didn't! I raised my three daughters on a photography career and I was VERY successful at doing both of those things! 

I'M JUST TIRED, WORN OUT, AND I'M NOT THE SAME.

I don't like where I live. It's trashy and stinks and is poorly managed and its low income. Any of you willing to move into the worst place in town because it's the cheapest? Come on. Count your blessings for heaven's sake!

I want to be a blessing to you, not a burden. So I hide, and withdraw. It is my way. I don't love you less. I just don't have the time or energy to say or do so. 

Please, stop taking it personally and just give me a little time to adjust. I want to go home to Colorado. I miss my kids. I miss my grandkids. I miss my mountains. And yes, I miss my friends. I want to travel to Arizona. So I can visit my other kid and grandkids and the desert and the sunshine. All of this takes cash and time and I don't have enough of any of that. So that means "gulp" work harder. 

To those of you who are of constant encouragement to me: There just isn't enough ways to thank you. 

I did a portrait session for a family a couple of weeks ago. They are amazing Christians and I absorbed so much joy from them. I met with them last night for a proofing session. More joy. Big hugs. Oh I love that! When I got home, dinner was on the way because my best Lander friend and neighbor made sure I was nourished at 8:15pm. Some of you see me and know how to help. :-) New-found friends and those oldie but goodies on Facebook that I miss more than I can say. 

I could use some deep prayer, some intercession, some sweet moments of Jesus, and some warm vibes and thoughts. Most of all, I need you to understand. I will be a blessing to you again. I will. I'm seeking a way to be so. It's hard. I have to keep going until I don't have to. K? 

Lots and lots of love.

Cherie