When Depression Evolves into Sorrow.....It's a Good Thing

I've been through a lot. Not just lately, but for a number of years now. I felt broken and shattered. Depressed. 

I've been searching for a heart beat. Something that made me feel alive. Something that reminded me that my life of oppression was going to renew and be put back together.

This morning when I woke up there were blankets and pillows everywhere. It was as though I had a wrestling match during my sleep.

And I woke up sad. Soft. With a heart beat. 

I realized that I was feeling sad, not depressed. And this, readers, is a moment of healing. It is an upgrade of what I've been experiencing lately.

I had my heart broken by a man I was very much in love with recently. Moving far away from everything I accepted as normal has been devastating as well. Worrying about my dad took the air out of my lungs. Settling for a job that was not what I had intended for myself dashed my dreams of success.

BUT. That big word. The word that eliminates the others before it. But. I woke up sad.

I've been so hurt and holding onto my sanity with both hands and trying to keep the pieces from crashing to the ground with the sounds of glass breaking beyond repair and praying with desperation that I would not fall apart. It wasn't working.

I had to surrender.

And now? My heart is beating--not out of my chest threatening to be crushed under foot, but a big beating, swollen and fleshy heart that is mending. It is not broken. It is all one piece. And I am sad.

Surrendered to the fact, the fact that I cannot change all I have gone through made it start beating again. I cannot save the relationship that caused the very breaking. I cannot change where I am financially. I cannot move into a place and call it my own. YET. 

I prayed. I thanked God that I felt sadness rather than defeat. Sorrow rather than devastation. And I feel like there is hope rather than depression.

I had to go through it. I had to feel ultimate pain. I had to pay the price of decisions that often leave a heart stranded instead of filled.

My heart is beating. It is empty. I did ask God to move quickly, to fill it, to repair it, to heal it. And quick. But it is not broken anymore. My dreams, my love, my move, and this very life is expanding, pumping with blood and water that will make a new and beautiful thing.

My daughter said she thinks my rest period isn't over. I got a job but it hasn't started yet. I am housesitting for the next few days and will be spending some time alone. And I am going to take up resting and restoring my soul. I am looking forward to experiencing some activities in this small town that I have taken up residence in.

I'm not going to live depressed any longer. I am going to live, feeling sadness, and feeling that raging heartbeat of healing. Next step? Joy. Unspeakable. Full of glory. LIFE. My heart is beating. It is soft. And it is empty. And it is ready for my new beginning. It took feeling the shattering, fragile heartbreak. It took a willingness to wait, and to surrender. Sadness is a good thing to experience. It is real. And it is allowed. And it can be celebrated because it is the place where the heart starts beating, and beating hard.

And that deserves an AMEN.