Adjusting to Being Hungry
Today I am going to address Love Food. Yes, it's a real thing! It's the amount of food people use to love themselves, or control something in their lives, or hide from what I call the boogie men. It might be too much food (this is my issue) or not enough food or no food at all. Love food is what we use to soften the blows that life gives us.
I use food to cover a multitude of sins. I learned at a very early age that my feelings weren't justified. I remember being told that they were even bad. When I get emotional and start to have feelings, I block them the best way I know how so that I don't feel like I'm bad. I stuff. I use Love Food.
When I am mentally challenged with my work, or relationships or any other thing, I stuff. When I celebrate, I stuff. When I'm bored, I stuff. I stuff because I would rather NOT feel, because feeling makes me bad or wrong.
I am learning so much about myself, and how I use food. But its taking a willingness to feel, really feel, and most of the time I am scared to death. Scared that it will hurt. Scared that I'll succeed. Scared that I won't. And always, my childhood self is afraid of being bad.
As I start the sometimes painful process of healing and feeling, I am also having to adjust to being hungry. For so long I haven't even understood what that meant. Being hungry means there is room to feel. And you know what? I haven't died yet.
Here's some food love things I have identified for myself:
When I need love or affection, a hug, or just something plain good in my life, even just in the moment, I crave sugar. Not because my BODY needs it. Because my HEART needs it. I want to sweeten up my life. And I don't reach for the things or people that make that sweet spot a reality. Because I feel its wrong for me to feel it internally, I try to make it happen with something externally sweet. Cookies? Yep, the whole package. Candy? Something chewy, sweet AND sour (I know there is an emotional connection to my obsession with sour gummy worms-still working that out). Cake? Oh how I love cake!
Or do I? Do I love the cake? Or do I want to not feel so desperate for love?
Salty, crunchy stuff. Somehow frustration, confusion, anger, those irritating things that make me feel uncomfortable or bad dissipate if I'm crunching down a bag of chips or cheeto puffs, chewing them into dust.
When I feel lost, lonely, or scared, I stuff. Its not any particular food. Its all food! And as much as I can put in. It doesn't talk back. It sits with me when I'm alone. It keeps a barrier of fat between me and the men who scare me. This one is big because I suffered abuse as a child. My bad feelings were put on me by another....people in authority that I was supposed to respect and spend time with willingly. This one is a biggie for me.
While I fight back to be emotionally strong, these are real things that I have to deal with on a physical level so that I can be successful in my mental health journey.
In a nutshell, I have to give myself permission to FEEL.
At this very moment, what I'm feeling is HUNGRY.
Its scary! I have to actually feel feelings and allow myself to go through it without doctoring those feelings with food. And ITS HARD WORK. I am adjusting to hunger.
Not only am I fighting a physical battle, I am fighting an emotional battle. I don't like getting hungry. It makes me afraid something is wrong. It makes room for my mind to process. It makes me panic.
I'm learning to hear my body, and give it what it needs to be blessed and strong. When I'm hungry, I can choose what it really craves. Right now? Grape tomatoes and apples. I love both of those foods and feel denied if I don't get to eat them. Apples satisfy the crunch. Tomatoes are just.....well, yummy!
Denial. A real feeling. If I'm craving something less than exceptional for my healthy body, then I have to explore what I'm feeling. If I'm actually hungry, its because I've been denied nourishment for an appropriate amount of time. I'm adjusting to being HUNGRY.
I am eating to take good care of this temple I live in and have welcomed the Spirit to take up dwelling in it. It's food for my body, fuel for my soul.
Feel. Goodness, if Jesus can weep until blood pours from his forehead, then we have permission to feel! I have permission to experience what I am feeling without judgment or fear! Hallelujah, there is freedom in that!
I'll be writing a great deal about mental and physical health in the upcoming months because it takes a healthy mind and body to create the best version of myself. I am going to have a lot of feelings surface as I run this race to accomplish my best physical self and reaching goals for my career. So I am going to feel. And work hard at this. And I am going to RUN through that door that is wide open.
Want to join me? Y'all in?
I use food to cover a multitude of sins. I learned at a very early age that my feelings weren't justified. I remember being told that they were even bad. When I get emotional and start to have feelings, I block them the best way I know how so that I don't feel like I'm bad. I stuff. I use Love Food.
When I am mentally challenged with my work, or relationships or any other thing, I stuff. When I celebrate, I stuff. When I'm bored, I stuff. I stuff because I would rather NOT feel, because feeling makes me bad or wrong.
I am learning so much about myself, and how I use food. But its taking a willingness to feel, really feel, and most of the time I am scared to death. Scared that it will hurt. Scared that I'll succeed. Scared that I won't. And always, my childhood self is afraid of being bad.
As I start the sometimes painful process of healing and feeling, I am also having to adjust to being hungry. For so long I haven't even understood what that meant. Being hungry means there is room to feel. And you know what? I haven't died yet.
Here's some food love things I have identified for myself:
When I need love or affection, a hug, or just something plain good in my life, even just in the moment, I crave sugar. Not because my BODY needs it. Because my HEART needs it. I want to sweeten up my life. And I don't reach for the things or people that make that sweet spot a reality. Because I feel its wrong for me to feel it internally, I try to make it happen with something externally sweet. Cookies? Yep, the whole package. Candy? Something chewy, sweet AND sour (I know there is an emotional connection to my obsession with sour gummy worms-still working that out). Cake? Oh how I love cake!
Or do I? Do I love the cake? Or do I want to not feel so desperate for love?
Salty, crunchy stuff. Somehow frustration, confusion, anger, those irritating things that make me feel uncomfortable or bad dissipate if I'm crunching down a bag of chips or cheeto puffs, chewing them into dust.
When I feel lost, lonely, or scared, I stuff. Its not any particular food. Its all food! And as much as I can put in. It doesn't talk back. It sits with me when I'm alone. It keeps a barrier of fat between me and the men who scare me. This one is big because I suffered abuse as a child. My bad feelings were put on me by another....people in authority that I was supposed to respect and spend time with willingly. This one is a biggie for me.
While I fight back to be emotionally strong, these are real things that I have to deal with on a physical level so that I can be successful in my mental health journey.
In a nutshell, I have to give myself permission to FEEL.
At this very moment, what I'm feeling is HUNGRY.
Its scary! I have to actually feel feelings and allow myself to go through it without doctoring those feelings with food. And ITS HARD WORK. I am adjusting to hunger.
Not only am I fighting a physical battle, I am fighting an emotional battle. I don't like getting hungry. It makes me afraid something is wrong. It makes room for my mind to process. It makes me panic.
I'm learning to hear my body, and give it what it needs to be blessed and strong. When I'm hungry, I can choose what it really craves. Right now? Grape tomatoes and apples. I love both of those foods and feel denied if I don't get to eat them. Apples satisfy the crunch. Tomatoes are just.....well, yummy!
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| I have this beautiful bowl that I found and I bought it just for apples! Always a good snack choice, for myself and any visitors! Grandkids love it that they can always have one! |
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| My tiny refrigerator and hotplate. I don't have a freezer or a microwave so anything I eat is prepared from something fresh. |
I am eating to take good care of this temple I live in and have welcomed the Spirit to take up dwelling in it. It's food for my body, fuel for my soul.
Feel. Goodness, if Jesus can weep until blood pours from his forehead, then we have permission to feel! I have permission to experience what I am feeling without judgment or fear! Hallelujah, there is freedom in that!
I'll be writing a great deal about mental and physical health in the upcoming months because it takes a healthy mind and body to create the best version of myself. I am going to have a lot of feelings surface as I run this race to accomplish my best physical self and reaching goals for my career. So I am going to feel. And work hard at this. And I am going to RUN through that door that is wide open.
Want to join me? Y'all in?
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