I'M AFRAID OF FAILING MYSELF
I almost achieve it, almost complete it, almost succeed at it, almost reach the finish line.....
I'm an "almost-er." That word should be in the dictionary. It is a real thing.
Years ago, I discovered that I had a terrible habit of starting a book, sometimes almost finishing it, but not enjoying it enough to read it to The End. I love reading, and I would start with gusto, but if it wasn't reaching me in some phenomenal way that my heart needed, I closed it and moved on.
One day, being afraid it was a picture of who I was, I decided to stop that cycle. If I started a book, I would finish it. If it was boring, I would read faster, just to finish it, and hope to glean something from it. I love books that speak to the heart of me through character development or vivid descriptions. They aren't all that good, but I finish them now.
I accept a number of contract and temporary positions when I am needing a job. Just saying "a job" makes my skin crawl. I am a writer. I am a photographer. I am a musician. But I need a job.
I get bored. That is the product of the almost-er. But why?
Do you know how some people say that if you throw it out into the universe that it will manifest itself? And that what we say to ourselves will eventually be our truth? I'm wondering if there is actually an element of truth in that.
What if, because I want to write and take photographs and make music so badly that I sabotage my efforts to be part of the corporate world? What if my subconscious and my conscious are battling for the win and just tossing me around in the meantime?
Or worse, what if I'm afraid of failing? Not failing others, but failing myself? What if I'm afraid that I actually can't. What if I find out I actually AM a disappointment?
I've been the brunt of jokes about marriage.....because I've failed. I've been humiliated by not earning enough to support myself.....because I can't. I've lost enormous amounts of weight.....and gained it back. I've been knocked down by people who should support me, and thrown away dreams because of fear. Maybe now I'm just believing all the naysayers and owning it. Because maybe I'm wondering if they are right.
I've been told so many times that it's not my place to ask questions, that I shouldn't feel a certain way, that I shouldn't do a certain thing, or that it's not really a good idea, that I believe it. Words from the past sink in deep, and sometimes they surface abruptly and cruelly, and they mingle with the present and suddenly, I'm afraid I will fail myself.
Until I hear my own voice, and live in who God created me to be, I will keep failing.
And that's what I'm afraid of.
I don't have my own voice. All of the others seem to be stronger. I believe them because I should be able to trust them. But when the people you should be able to trust don't believe in you, that's when your voice needs to be it's strongest.
I've been a disappointment so many times to others. I'm afraid of being a disappointment to myself.
In my journal yesterday, I started picking that apart, trying to understand it. I'm afraid the naysayers are right.
What if I'm NOT smart enough?
What if I CAN'T earn enough to support myself?
What if I'm NOT a good enough photographer?
What if I DON'T write well?
What if my music ISN'T beautiful?
What if my body will NEVER be healthy?
No. NO. NO. NO.
How do we silence the voices of disrespect? Self-deprecation? When are they going to just SHUT UP????
I'm afraid of failing myself. I'm afraid no one will fall in love with me, I will always struggle with my weight and health issues, I will never make enough money, or meet my goals, much less live my dreams. I'm afraid those voices are all right. They know I'm an almost-er.
I don't have the answer to these questions at all.
Today all I can do is sit down and work through that fear. I am going to read Bible verses over and over that tell me that in God's eyes, I am precious and perfect because I am His, and that His grace will see me through, and that in Him I can do anything, because with Him, nothing is impossible. I'm going to keep telling myself to believe what He believes about me, that I am a masterpiece, and that He isn't done working on or through me yet.
So here is what I'm standing on today:
I'm an "almost-er." That word should be in the dictionary. It is a real thing.
Years ago, I discovered that I had a terrible habit of starting a book, sometimes almost finishing it, but not enjoying it enough to read it to The End. I love reading, and I would start with gusto, but if it wasn't reaching me in some phenomenal way that my heart needed, I closed it and moved on.
One day, being afraid it was a picture of who I was, I decided to stop that cycle. If I started a book, I would finish it. If it was boring, I would read faster, just to finish it, and hope to glean something from it. I love books that speak to the heart of me through character development or vivid descriptions. They aren't all that good, but I finish them now.
I accept a number of contract and temporary positions when I am needing a job. Just saying "a job" makes my skin crawl. I am a writer. I am a photographer. I am a musician. But I need a job.
I get bored. That is the product of the almost-er. But why?
Do you know how some people say that if you throw it out into the universe that it will manifest itself? And that what we say to ourselves will eventually be our truth? I'm wondering if there is actually an element of truth in that.
What if, because I want to write and take photographs and make music so badly that I sabotage my efforts to be part of the corporate world? What if my subconscious and my conscious are battling for the win and just tossing me around in the meantime?
Or worse, what if I'm afraid of failing? Not failing others, but failing myself? What if I'm afraid that I actually can't. What if I find out I actually AM a disappointment?
I've been the brunt of jokes about marriage.....because I've failed. I've been humiliated by not earning enough to support myself.....because I can't. I've lost enormous amounts of weight.....and gained it back. I've been knocked down by people who should support me, and thrown away dreams because of fear. Maybe now I'm just believing all the naysayers and owning it. Because maybe I'm wondering if they are right.
I've been told so many times that it's not my place to ask questions, that I shouldn't feel a certain way, that I shouldn't do a certain thing, or that it's not really a good idea, that I believe it. Words from the past sink in deep, and sometimes they surface abruptly and cruelly, and they mingle with the present and suddenly, I'm afraid I will fail myself.
Until I hear my own voice, and live in who God created me to be, I will keep failing.
And that's what I'm afraid of.
I don't have my own voice. All of the others seem to be stronger. I believe them because I should be able to trust them. But when the people you should be able to trust don't believe in you, that's when your voice needs to be it's strongest.
I've been a disappointment so many times to others. I'm afraid of being a disappointment to myself.
In my journal yesterday, I started picking that apart, trying to understand it. I'm afraid the naysayers are right.
What if I'm NOT smart enough?
What if I CAN'T earn enough to support myself?
What if I'm NOT a good enough photographer?
What if I DON'T write well?
What if my music ISN'T beautiful?
What if my body will NEVER be healthy?
No. NO. NO. NO.
How do we silence the voices of disrespect? Self-deprecation? When are they going to just SHUT UP????
I'm afraid of failing myself. I'm afraid no one will fall in love with me, I will always struggle with my weight and health issues, I will never make enough money, or meet my goals, much less live my dreams. I'm afraid those voices are all right. They know I'm an almost-er.
I don't have the answer to these questions at all.
Today all I can do is sit down and work through that fear. I am going to read Bible verses over and over that tell me that in God's eyes, I am precious and perfect because I am His, and that His grace will see me through, and that in Him I can do anything, because with Him, nothing is impossible. I'm going to keep telling myself to believe what He believes about me, that I am a masterpiece, and that He isn't done working on or through me yet.
So here is what I'm standing on today:
- Matthew 10:31
- 2 Corinthians 9:8
- Philippians 4:13
- Luke 1:37 and Jeremiah 32:17
- Psalm 139:13-17
- Ephesians 2:10
- Philippians 1:6
One thing before I close. I have been making beautiful portraits of people who felt un-beautiful for years, and when they saw their photographs, they felt like a million bucks. But I HATED being IN photographs. On Valentines Day, my youngest daughter, an aspiring photographer, put me in my place....in front of her lens. These are a couple of photographs she got of me. Why am I showing you these? Because, she saw me differently than I was seeing myself. She thought her mom was beautiful and worthy of a portrait that said so. If you are struggling with feeling like a million bucks, I suggest you do this very thing, let someone take pictures of you. Let them show you who you are when you can't see it for yourself. It's a great step toward believing you might not be a failure after all. :-)
Love you.
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| Sarah B. Photography, 2020 |
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| Sarah B. Photography, 2020 |
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| Sarah B. Photography, 2020 |
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