I Just Need a Minute to Complain

I need a minute to complain, K? Because today I'm grumpy and tired of being the happy one. I need to b***h and whine and cry. Just for a few paragraphs, K? I promise, it's going to end on a high note. Not high like I'm screaming (hopefully you can't hear me because the pillow is supposed to muffle it). High like I'm self-encouraging using some Holy Spirit holy rollin'.

I need to go to the eye doctor. I need to go to the dentist. I had to be put on a payment plan for my last doctor's appointment. I make too much to be on state insurance, and too little to be able to afford a plan from my employer. 

I feel tired and depressed and I work full time getting a paycheck every week that I can count on doing something so unlike me. I don't get paid holidays or sick days, much less vacation time. And goodness, do I feel like I need one. 

August has dealt me a funeral to attend every single week, and I have two to go. I am one of the few my age who has both parents still living, and next month my dad has valve replacement surgery on my birthday. I don't see or hear from my folks often, and they don't see or hear from me either. We just know we are there when stuff happens. 

I'm sick of the city. I'm sick of sitting on my a** all day staring at a computer screen. I'm sleeping too much, eating too much, moving too little and I haven't spent any time in the sun this summer--and if you know me, that's A REALLY BIG DEAL. No hiking, no camping. I haven't finished a single book just for fun. Not enough time with my grandkids or my kids. Not enough time heading home to be with my sister. And my guitar has been sitting there gathering dust awaiting new strings to make beautiful music with, which it needs me for. Oh, and my football team looks like....Poo. 

I love my apartment, but hate being alone. The past few nights I've slept on a hard lumpy couch because it feels like its hugging me. I leave the TV on so that I feel like I'm not alone. I need a dog. I want a dog. I can't have a dog.  

I've been on the path of wanting to encourage others, and doing all the self-help work I can to equip me to do so, reading and doing workbooks and listening to podcasts and webinars and pushing myself to be a better version of myself so that I can be your inspiration. It's exhausted me!   

Today? I JUST WANT TO QUIT! I want to leave the office, put on my hiking boots, grab my guitar and my journal and my Bible and my camera and GO AWAY. 

BUT I WON'T.

I won't quit because I know better. I won't quit because the Bible says to do all things just like I'm doing it for Jesus (I'm having trouble finding Him here in the office. He gets crowded out by government--so it sits on His shoulders and I hang in the balance up here sometimes!). 

I won't quit because I'm a revolutionary, I am legendary, I have no earthly roots holding me down, and I'm a bada** woman! 

I won't quit because Colossians 3:22 and 23 says, "Servants, do what you're told by your earthly masters. And don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Work from the heart for your real Master." I won't quit because Romans 13:2 and 3 says, "Live Responsibly as a citizen. If you're irresponsible to the state, then you're irresponsible with God and God will hold YOU responsible." 

AND.....

I won't quit because " the God who started this great work in [me] will keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish" (Philippians 1:6).

My self-improvement projects, my vision, my life's calling, although seeming out of reach today..... He began the work, He planted the seed, and HE IS GOING TO GROW IT UP. 

So even though everything in me wants to throw in the towel, and crawl under a rock, but somewhere far far away from here, and just play today, I won't. He enjoys giving rest to those He loves. And He loves me.

He loves you. 

Me too.