Getting Honest About Anxiety and Depression
Is it fair to say that many of us are working under pressure all of the time? It starts young, too. Be the best soccer player or dancer, get the best grades, dress the right way, earn the right scholarship. The push is real and it's stressful. And we are driving our mental health down into adulthood at a quickening rate.
I know so many people who are suffering anxiety and depression. I wonder if the pressure to do more and be more get more done are driving us emotionally to the brink. So much more seems to be expected of us now. It seems our work requires more than we are emotionally capable of.
The slough of medical issues arising is alarming. High blood pressure, low immunity, high pain tolerance, low anger control. More of us are crying, tearing our hair out and suffering breakdowns than ever before. We are taking meds to control the physical symptoms but not the actual cause.
Crying, irritability, shaking hands, headaches, the desire to stay in bed all day..... these are all symptoms our bodies are warning us with to stop the madness. Why then, don't we treat them as such? If we take medication for headaches or colds, then why don't we think its okay to medicate for anxiety and depression? There is such a stigma.
And now, here's me, getting honest about my struggle with anxiety and depression.
Eighteen months ago I suffered a mental breakdown. It was severe. It came on so gradually I didn't even realize it was happening. It took people who knew me well and saw the drastic change to tell me something was desperately wrong.
Example. I LOVE driving. It relaxes me. I can drive for hours and take in the scenery and listen to music. The song "My Church" by Maren Morris? MY SONG.
And then my joy of driving quit. I was aggitated at first. Then felt enraged at other drivers. Then I got downright scared to be on the highway. Nothing particular happened. Just the anxiety I would feel would be so great I would be nauseous.
This upbeat me that used to reside inside started posting things on Facebook that had people worried I was going to hurt myself. I had so much to live for, but I was not wanting to live for it anymore. I was shutting down. While I didn't threaten suicide, some of the thoughts I was sharing fell under a suicidal thought process. I was in danger. Although an adult, my youngest daughter had to parent her mom.
I went to the doctor. I had severely high blood pressure. My blood sugar levels were reaching diabetic proportions. I was suffering severe migraines. I cried all the time. I quit doing anything that I loved and just went through the motions to do what was required. My doctor knows me and appreciates how hard I work at fighting back for my health and supports my efforts to do things to encourage my body to do it naturally. That day I left with four prescriptions in my hands, a strict diet and the instruction that I should leave my current job.
I now take a concoction of medicines that keep me both sane and physically stable. And I'm finally learning to love living again. It wasn't until about six months ago that I realized how bad I had gotten. I had to regain lost mental ground to even see it.
I am more careful to control stressful situations. I have to say no sometimes. And I am being held accountable by my children and close friends and family who know it has to be done so that insanity is not on my list of ailments.
It's HARD. It was humiliating to have someone point out that I was going mad. It was humbling to reach out to a doctor who knew me and knew what it was going to take to help me. It was because of the prayer and persistence of others that I am me again.
When untreated, whether through medication or therapy or alternative means, anxiety and depression are going to bring you to an all time low. I have had to face the reality of how severe it is. I was in a job that caused me undo stress, and sent me over the edge. I had to quit. Did it hurt me financially? Oh heck yes, it did. It also revealed that I couldn't do this on my own.
I couldn't keep doing what I was doing and still get well. I had to live off of the generosity of others. Some of the others were my kids. Do you know how defeating it is to have to be supported by your children? I'm not talking too old to work, or suffering a disability. I'm talking midlife, a time that should be full and exciting. I tanked. It was awful.
Sometimes our world is so rocked that we can't ask for help. This is when it is so critical that we know our tribe and they know us so well that we can see when someone needs help. I'm so thankful for my handful of people who believe I'm worth fighting for.
It is said that you are a combination of the five people you spend the most time with. Who are you allowing in your life? Who are you letting control things? We have to be SO careful who and what we let in. The right music. If you feel sad, sad music could crush you. Feeling angry? What are you watching on television? Who are you listening to? Your boss? Do you believe they hold your career in their hands? Is it worth it to become sullen and lifeless just to earn a living?
Honey, your music should make you dance, and your television should inspire your imagination and your career should be in YOUR hands!
The most amazing thing now is that I am being one of the people that is in a tribe for my people. I'm one of their five. I'm helping build them up.
I am strong. I've overcome fatal illness. I've overcome an emotional breakdown. I've lived through three failed marriages. I've become independent because I was controlled. I'm living on my own, and enjoying the ability to take care of myself.
I fancy myself a gypsy/hippy type. I like natural healing. I like alternative medicine. But I like being sane and living. I am committed to the modern medicine that is helping me do so. I am NOT going to let societal stigma or pride keep me from doing what it takes to be well. And being my gypsy hippy self is more about who I am inside then what meds are required for me to be me.
One day perhaps I will write a book about where I've been, what I've done and what it's taken to become who I am today. For today, let me share what I am doing to stay on track:
I'm keeping my spirit close to my Creator and leaving room for Him to do His thing in me. I'm choosing good relationships. I'm paying attention to the needs of my family and friends and reaching out to them just like they have for me. I'm doing what it takes to gain confidence in myself and accomplish what I want to do with my life. I am earning respect and restoring my dignity. I am actively searching for who I want to be.
It's such hard work. But this, this hard brain work, is honest work. And I'd rather work at being sane than spinning my wheels just to breathe. This is the good fight.
I want to encourage you to find your five influential people. I want you to choose wisely for yourself. Be your own advocate. Don't wait until you shut down and need rescuing. Pay attention to what your body is telling you and what's happening in your head. And if you can't, there's help. I am praying right in this very moment that help will find you.
If you need a great song to listen to on your next Sunday drive, here's my favorite. :-)
Love you.
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